Yearly, the No person Requested For This (NAFT) Corridor of Fame committee hosts an induction ceremony to welcome a brand new honoree to its ranks. This 12 months’s inductee is Soiled Shirley. The drink was nominated by colleague and buddy Espresso Martini, and assist amongst present NAFT members was unanimous. Espresso Martini’s nomination assertion is as follows:
Soiled Shirley embodies the NAFT ethos: She solves an issue that doesn’t exist. The spirits neighborhood has expressed that sentiment with full voice, asking in so many phrases, “What, precisely, is the purpose of retrofitting a ‘virgin’ cocktail with booze when … precise cocktails exist already?” Like NAFT’s present and future members—yours really proudly included—Soiled Shirley is neither modern nor inventive, however somewhat a bastardization of a G-rated recipe that’s, or needs to be, embarrassing to order in public. That is exactly why I couldn’t be prouder to name Soiled Shirley my peer, and this 12 months’s NAFT inductee.
Viewers seats are organized theater-style, with a middle aisle. On the entrance of the room stands a podium with a small desk for honorees and audio system alongside. Within the rear of the room is a desk for refreshments.
The President bangs his gavel as soon as; the viewers falls silent.
PRESIDENT DONGLE: Good night, and welcome to the sixth annual NAFT Corridor of Fame Induction Ceremony. I’m Cell Telephone Earbud Dongle, president and constitution member, and I wish to prolong a heat welcome to distinguished company, fellow members, and notably to our visitor of honor, Soiled Shirley. As at all times, we dedicate these proceedings to previous members we’ve misplaced.
The President pauses to nod solemnly at a framed “In Memoriam” portrait of defunct roll-on ache reliever stick Head On.
I hereby name this ceremony to order. Earlier than we start the proceedings, I’ll ask that Secretary The Authentic Rabbit Corkscrew™ please name the roll with help from our communications intern, Velveeta Martini.
Secretary The Authentic Rabbit Corkscrew™ (TORC) is fantastically sculpted however large. As an alternative of utilizing his NAFT-issued iPad to file minutes, he smugly slips it into an iTypewriter—a tool that faucets on the Apple pill’s digital keyboard with rubberized hammers as he pecks at a chintzy mechanical keyboard.
Secretary TORC: Conducting roll name. Keurig Espresso Maker?
Keurig Espresso Maker: Current! And bear in mind, everybody, I introduced refreshments!
Everybody groans.
SECRETARY TORC: Slap Chop?
Slap Chop snorts a (very poorly minimize) line of cocaine earlier than talking, which he does frenetically and at high quantity.
SLAP CHOP: YEAH, I’M HERE. LET ME JUST SAY THAT, AS A FOOD SERVICE PROFESSIONAL, I SHOULD BE IN CHARGE OF REFRESHMENTS. DO YOU PEOPLE NOT LIKE BITE-SIZED MORSELS OF … ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING?
PRESIDENT DONGLE: Let’s please transfer on, Mr. Chop. Refreshments have been lined as we speak. I’ll apologize, nevertheless, that there aren’t any cocktails, as each bartender inside a four-hour drive refused to work an occasion honoring Soiled Shirley.
A whirring sound emanates from beneath the entrance desk as Roomba emerges, slamming into numerous items of furnishings and several other company’ ankles.
ROOMBA: We would as nicely rent a wooden chipper to cater the conferences, Slap Chop.
SLAP CHOP: HEY! I’D SAY “YOU SUCK” IF IT WEREN’T A BORDERLINE COMPLIMENT. HOW ABOUT YOU GO WASTE ELECTRICITY SOMEWHERE ELSE?
PRESIDENT DONGLE: Sufficient! Slap Chop, sit down. Secretary The Authentic Rabbit Corkscrew™, please proceed.
SECRETARY TORC: Sponsors for as we speak’s honoree: Sleeping Bag Swimsuit and USB-Powered Pet Rock?
Sleeping Bag Swimsuit waves; USB-Powered Pet Rock simply sort of sits there.
PRESIDENT DONGLE: Superb. We’ve a quorum. This implies it’s my distinct pleasure to introduce this 12 months’s inductee: the hit drink of summer season 2022, Soiled Shirley. Ms. Shirley, congratulations.
The President gestures to Soiled Shirley, who waves smugly and takes a selfie. She is in a disposable plastic cup crammed with Sprite spiked with nicely vodka. Sixteen translucent cherries bob round within the combination. A viscous rivulet of grenadine has leaked from the cup and has crammed the room with a nauseatingly candy aroma, akin to a late-’90s shopping center Yankee Candle retailer.
The committee members break into applause.
DIRTY SHIRLEY (with indifferent levity): What’s good, fam? Can we get a vibe test? Everybody cool? No cap, I’m high-key pleased to be right here. Huge W for me. And, Mr. President, you may simply name me Shirley.
This ceremony truthfully slaps. Really the dankest honor to be acknowledged for my achievements, particularly in these harmful Cancel Tradition instances, when subversives like me are too typically silenced. The woke mob says we don’t belong of their society, that we’re pointless… prefer it’s a BAD factor!
Once I got here on the scene, like, a month in the past, all these cheugy e-girls had it out for me. It’s like, “OK, boomer, not my fault you’re jealous of my drip.” You all know what I imply! All of them tweet about me, complaining that I don’t match their thought of “actual cocktails” that “style good.”
Anyway, you all get it. We’re POINTLESS. THAT’S THE POINT. We’re simply right here, vibing. I’m simply gonna experience out this wave of recognition till it involves a logical conclusion, in all probability in, like, two or three weeks.
Thanks to Espresso Martini—I’m completely a simp for you! The OG! Everybody else, thanks to your assist and for this honor.
President Dongle rises and shakes Soiled Shirley’s paper straw as he addresses the viewers.
PRESIDENT DONGLE: Thanks and congratulations, Ms. Sh—I imply, Soiled. The honour is ours. With that, I hereby declare the 2022 NAFT Corridor of Fame Induction Ceremony adjourned. And now, please be part of us within the subsequent room for a social hour offered by Birthday Cake Oreos.
[End of transcript]
